Bumper to Bummer
Los Angeles, California: commonly referred to as the entertainment capital of the world.
It took me an hour and 23 minutes to drive 11.8 miles the other day.
When I approached the thing responsible for the hold-up I discovered that it was nothing… a mere stranded
pickup truck and Mexican guy scratching his head on the side of the freeway.
Had everyone on the freeway simply whizzed by …we could have collectively acknowledged the poor guy’s plight and carried on to our destinations. But to my dismay…one inconsiderate driver had to slow-down and gawk at him. Is someone hurt? Is there blood? NO. Ok, is he on fire? Is he transporting illegal substances? Nope. Oh oh…Is he cute? Should I stop and help? NO way.
Oh please…by all means driver number one….don’t stop to help. Just stop to stare and opinion-ate and set off a chain reaction.
Car two: Dude why are you stopping?
Car 5: Fucking Mexicans…Get outta my country.
Car 12: Did he hit something?
Car 28: Jesus man don’t slam on your breaks.
Car 29: Oh great..fucking CHP.
Car 37: Is there an accident?
Car 38: Is there a lot of blood and guts involved in this accident?
Car: 46: This better be good.
Car 96: God it must be really bad.
Car 100: Hey genius trying to cut me off in bumper to bumper traffic isn’t gonna get you there any faster.
Car 101: Hey idiot why can’t you just let me in, do you not see my cignal. It’s not like letting me in is gonna make you go any slower.
Car 113: Time to smoke a blunt. Hey baby…
Car 114: Great now that guy is gonna stare at me and I can’t switch lanes
Me: How much you wanna bet that it’s not even a fucking accident. What if it is? I’m a jerk. Do I have enough gas to sit in traffic for an hour? I have to get to work!! I wish I had a drink. This is why people drink and drive. Did I ash in this cup? Ew. It’s fucking warm and flat. Why can’t I clean my car…ever? I want to be sympathetic and sincerely hope no one died but what the hell? Maybe it’s construction. Why are they always working on the freeway? Maybe those fires will burn down all the freeways and we can start over. I just wanna ride a horse on the freeway. Would I get arrested? Maybe it would poop on someone’s mercedes. Who cleaned the poop when it was just horse and buggy? Anyone? Can horses run and poop at the same time? fuuuuccckk!!! I’m gonna be late.
One hour and Twenty Three minutes.
Entertaining indeed.
